October 2012
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Various thoughts on my life
Maybe I should start journaling again on occasion even if no one reads it. It feels like that kind of time in my life. Facebook isn't enough and it feels like my updates get lost in oblivion. It feels strange to write long updates because facebook has turned into this place with lots of photos or snippets of people's lives. It's like the tv news where you get snippets of the world's change. You get enough to know that something has happened and what more do you need? Who needs in-depth coverage? Who needs reasons why things have happened and predictions of what might happen the future? Who needs deeper questions?

I'm living in a bit of a dream world at the moment. Life is great and not what I want at the same time. However, the parts that are not what I want I can imagine changing if I just wait. Life is great because I feel really secure. Marriage does that to you. You don't wonder if you'll be with the same person next week or next month. You know. I also feel secure having a partner working a relatively secure average-income job and some shares. We are not big spenders so it's enough to imagine being debt-free in five years. Debt-free means owning a cheap house. I have two other partners and friends and family that are too far away but I love them. I have two step-children who I love as well. Children can say the most entertaining things. They feel more free to be themselves. That is the nice thing about family that is my ideal family. You can be yourself. Members are generally considerate but sometimes there will be yelling because everyone gets frustrated sometimes. But everyone is allowed to yell once in a while. Anyway, there is a difference between yelling frustrations and yelling terrible things at people.
I'm getting off-track here though. Other things I love are a cupboard full of long-lasting food so when I find a recipe I want to make it's likely we already have the spices, vinegars etc needed for it. Only thing is my life is *boring*. I'm not working. I'm not going anywhere and we live in a boring place. I don't have a job because I don't have a passport because the UK Border Agency is so slow that I don't even know if I'll have it for Christmas. It's been 3.5 months. However, I have teachers ready to be my reference for supply agencies. I'm also *still* working on getting a British driving license. I do hate to admit it but I feel like you have to be a much better driver to drive on the roads here. I'm almost there though. Still, without a license they won't give me supply work. I envy my two friends who are travelling the world without a care in the world and without spending money. I'm also happy for them and envision doing something similar myself one day when we are debt-free.
Alrighty, that's all for now because I got distracted and lost my train of thought.

Quitting
Nobody tells you how amazing it can feel to quit. I quit driving lessons for 7 days. Until my next lesson. Feels great. Driving is a horrible thing to learn. Especially when you've already passed a test in another country.

I'd also like to quit teaching. Not actually but it feels good to pretend for now.

Being poor
Being poor is just not fun. Sometimes it seems like everything costs money: passport renewal, courses to be more qualified, the test to see if I qualify for the French course, textbooks...well, there will be more. Thank goodness some things are free or at least unlimited (internet). Apparently I can get a free dental screening from students if I do a half-hour screening. Free things come at the cost of time.

Just gotta keep going.


I went on a one-month hitchhiking out east trip with Ian and wow, by the end of the trip I was imagining marrying him and having children. More realistically, I was thinking about living with him. I can't even describe the love I was feeling.

Today my half-brother and family come to visit for a night. Should be fun.

Love thoughts
I've realized I feel pretty unemotional compared to other people. Not always true, especially since I realize how I am and can focus on letting myself feel emotions. And certainly there are times when I get really emotional. I think the being less emotional is related to the fact that when I do different emotions, I feel overwhelmed and out of control. And then I wonder where the middle ground is.
Ian says, "I love you" and I think that he seems to FEEL love more than I do. This is less true when we're together in person. I think his feelings transfer over to me often enough. He said, "I love you" and I started thinking about The Giver and how they never say they love each other. They say they enjoy spending time with each other or other complimentary things but not "I love you." Yeah, sometimes I just feel kinda heartless. But I generally felt less like this in Cambridge. People were so loving! And I do think I'm less serious than I used to be.
I feel happiness easily enough when swimming in summer though. :)

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